1. Why I Wont Make Barbie for NASA and Taxes
So they say they give me million dollars
To make Barbie for NASA
But I say NASA got lotsa money
They spose to spend it making man to the moon
To mars maybe, maybe to another planet
How they need me to make Barbie
So I make Barbie outta black plastic bags
That I find here and there in the gutter
Filled inside with mushy gushy
But they strict and have none of it
They want the real thing
So we bring out the chalk board and make a plan
We gonna make Barbie out of Jello so we can eat it
The NASA man is slowly coming up the walk
The light has gone on, there he is
In his space suit
Floating up to the door
Trying to aim his big white glove
To ring the bell
As we eat like crazy
Eating all the Jello before he can find it
*
2. Daddy Love Fist
When daddy got up this morning he found out
He had nothing but flowers for hands
They was a bunch of them at the end of each arm
Pink and purple and blue with lots of green leaf
You know something about this he yell
Those are Boo Ks I told him
Well where my hands at he scream at me
I threw those dirty old things out
What you do that for?
I threw those ugly things out cuz they was mean
Where they at, where you throw them
First I covered them with oil and seed
And I let the chickens eat em
Daddy was more mad than I ever see him
He went racing to the room to get his belt
But this time I stood by the door and laugh at him
I wasn’t scared, he can’t hold no belt with those stems
They just flop around as he fumble with his pants
One of them even broke and the flower it had on it fall on the bed
His eyes bug at it and his mouth open like a toilet
His mouth don’t close all day long
He still in his pajamas looking at those bunch of flowers
Told mommy to call work tell them he sick
Tonight mommy in the kitchen doing dishes
Daddy at the table trying to think with his bottle
He can’t pick it up so he has mommy pour it in a bowl
He lapping it with his tongue like a dog
His head between two boo ks
A glass slip out of mommy’s hand and fall to the floor
When she turn daddy scowl and raise his fist at her
But this time she don’t blink and cow
This time her eyes open bright and she make a big smile
For me? You shouldn’t have . . .
Daddy sitting in his chair
All the pedals slowly close
Why you crying daddy?
Cuz they gonna wilt and dry up and die
Oh no they aint daddy they just sleeping
And I tilt the watering can to sprinkle the bulbs
*
3. What I Buried In the Yard
Green beans held between my teeth and cheek
So that I wouldn’t have to swallow them
That rubber rat
Thought I threw it in the river but it came back
A xylophone it was broken anyway
Too much banging on it never learned a tune
Twenty rubber bands and twenty marbles
Birthday presents for my sister and brother
The pennies I stole out of a plastic kangaroo
And the chocolate bars I stole from the Mexican store
My brother’s beating cuz I told on him
For stealing spearmint gum
Eddie Korosa and his Polka Band
That day in the basement that I forgot about
Because daddy slammed my hand in the fridge door
The pizza party that I never got
A bladder the size of a watermelon
Peeing my pants and then forced to dance
My three toy hypodermic needles
And my firetruck with pedals
The hurricane we ran from after a funeral
A mouthful of dirt covering a jawbreaker
On the side of the road on the way to see Cabaret
Rubbing eyelashes with mommy
That dream when I woke up screaming
They put someone in a concrete mixer
A hamster, a gerbil and a guinea pig
But not the mouse snapped in half under the sink
You can’t bury everything
*
4. rock and roll
i rock and roll away the demand
staying in bed
it’s Saturday
lost cartoons
it was a dual proposition
rolling in bed at one, two and three on
Saturday or Sunday
so that mommy and daddy can fight
you know it came a point of protest
where we had to rock back and forth
in utter defiance of being confined to our beds
while he broke dishes and she screamed bloody murder
singing we want up we want up
we want up we want up
*
5. What the News Talked About Before 2020
I was born in 1965
When 200,000 Americans were in Vietnam
The next year Medicare began
Some 50 years before they wanted it for all
The next year Israel occupied Palestine
The next year Martin and Bobby were killed
Then Qaddafi won as we walked on the moon
And Kent State ended the hippy dream
Did you know before 1971 you couldn’t vote
Unless you were 21, but you could be drafted?
Next year they bugged the DNC
And then Roe v. Wade
I had a crush on Patricia Hearst
But not on Pol Pot
I don’t remember that year it was the bicentennial
Jimmy Carter got elected
Oh Biko Biko Biko Because, the song came years later
Jim Jones drank some Kool-Aid
Three Mile Island
A shirt with Mickey Mouse holding up the middle finger
Caption read “Iran Sucks”
Even at that age I thought that degraded Disney
Reagan might have been shot
But that didn’t stop him from taking on those Air Traffic Controllers
Bet you didn’t anticipate that Thriller would already be a thing
How time flies
Whoopee we whooped . . . um . . . Grenada?
Gandhi and Cosby fought for ratings
Glasnost and Perestroika
Then came the year when I was dating a Russian woman
And had that nightmare the night before Chernobyl
Iran Contra
98% of U.S. households had at least one television set
What did the other 2% have?
Tiananmen Square
Free Nelson Mandela
Gorbachev's resignation triggered the alternative universe
Wasn’t he was supposed to be the Anti-Christ?
NAFTA was signed while we were distracted by Rodney King
World Trade Center bombing part one
O.J.
The Million Man March
Unabomber
The most expensive film of all time literally sunk
I did not have sex with that woman
Columbine High
Hedy Lamarr died
9/11 and anthrax
Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings
Abu Ghraib
Number of deaths of U.S. soldiers in Iraq reached 2,000
Hamas won the election
The minimum wage increased after ten years, a lousy seventy cents
Gay people could finally marry
Avatar
The start of all of the mass shootings to follow
The most wanted man in the world was dumped in the ocean
Say what?
North Korea said talk to the hand
Was it Bradley or Chelsea?
A spacecraft landed on a comet
And then
Trump formally announced his candidacy
Trump was elected president
Trump became president
The next year
Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump
And then
Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump
Hopefully we only have one more year to go
Of that bullshit
(Edit: shit, covid)
*
6. That Lump on my Middle Finger
It’s still there after all these years
Though not quite as visible
But it was once a big lump on the
Middle finger of my right hand
Due to writing with a pencil
The furious writing I would do
Caused the pencil to rub my finger
Resulting in not exactly a callous
More like a fleshy tumor
It wasn’t really a fleshy tumor
I’ve had those before
You can’t squeeze them like a zit
They just come back after that
You have to lance them
And force all that smelly pus out
Then drench them inside and out with alcohol
I wouldn’t call it a boil
Those things are nasty
I once got one on my leg
Right by where my right testicle hangs
I kept rubbing it with drawing salve
Until it finally blew a quarter cup of slime
Leaving a gaping hole that you could look into
To see my red insides
I described this to a friend, she demanded to see it
So I showed her
It wasn’t really a wort either
I’m not sure if what keeps coming back
On my pinky finger
Can be described as a wort
It’s a little clear painful bump
I can cut it off with a razor
Put a Band-Aid on it
And five years later it’ll come back
No this was more like a trophy
Proof that I was a writer
Even when I broke my arm
And my teacher said I shouldn’t write with my cast on
I saw that as a punishment
I use to play softball with that cast
Using it as the bat
This was more like a tiny pink olive
Below the nail and at the left side of the finger
Which grew every day as I scribbled and scribed
Until I got a typewriter
Until I got a computer
Now I can’t even write with a pencil
With penmanship so forgotten that you couldn’t decipher it
And I’d have to point that writer’s bump out to you
It’s shrunken so much you’d barely see it
But
You know what?
I still got it
*
7. Daddy Tongue Gone
Me and little sis
We play with the wee jee
Conjure up the spirit
The one make you speak in tongues
We make a deal with someone name Corinne Theon
I put up my bag of tootsie rolls
Little sis put up her spit
This for taking away daddy’s word hurt
Now when he want to say dirty fucking cunt
It come out I love you honey more than the stars
When he try to say go to the yard
Clean up all that dog shit
It come out I gonna do it myself
With my bare hands
All you lovely chillins
You go watch Saturday morning cartoons
When he want to say
Gimme that big ass bottle of Jack Daniels
Instead he struggle to stop the words
But the words come out all funny anyway
Like a puppet with someone hand up the butt
Where that can for the cancer people at?
So I can slip my money through the slot in the lid
Daddy so mad at me
First you turn my hands to flowers
Now you take control of my tongue
You not mine
You the Devil’s child
That what he try to say of course
But it come out
You the most important soul in my life
I would protect you to my death
My little angel
My Darling
Please tell me
My sweet little chocolate kiss
Do you love me as much as I love you?
*
8. Daddy Saucer Feet
The light came on outside my room
When I was hiding under the cover
It was a flying saucer
Landed on the driveway
I don’t remember how I got there
But I was looking through the saucer window
At bigfoot and the lockness monster
They couldn’t talk
So Captain Kangaroo talked for them
Lemme have a couple of these here saucers I yell
Cuz they was a lot of blinky lights and whirring
Whats you gonna do with em?
Put em on my daddy feet
So when he try to cum in my room at night
He fly away
I can do this for you say Kangaroo
But you gotta promise me one thing
When you twenty something or other
And you at a party
And they a big ol’ hot tub
Do not get in it. Do not take the Xanax
And do not bite the wort off your finger in the subway station
Ok?
I agree but don’t know what for
Somehow I back in the yard by the sprinkler
The saucer it taking off
Hey I yell what bout my daddy saucers?
He already got em and the saucer it speed off to the stars
Then I thought I maybe make a mistake
Cuz daddy got use to those saucers in no time
He racing round the house like he on a surf board
Sliding down the stair rails leaving sparks
Vaulting up the wall and doing backward flips
Hovering on those saucers like no tomorrow
He happy though
He not sitting in his chair griping at the tv
Even lose some weight
Flying round the house while everyone ignore him
Taking those little mini saucers with his shots of vodka
Smiling all the time smiling
And he never after that cum in my room at night
But I gonna keep that knife under my pillow
Just in case he decide he wanna cum
*
9. Huffing Pam
We’d go to the A & P
To get our cans of Pam
Non Stick Cooking Spray
A group of chillins
Nine or ten year olds
They was never a question
Why you chillins need so many Pams?
Just took our money
After we huffed all them cans of Pam
In the little graveyard
Sprayed on rags in plastic bags
Which we would bury our faces in
We’d be back at the A & P
No doubt reeking of fumes
To buy more cans of Pam
Which they happily sold us
Cans of Pam that we huffed in the graveyard
In our mouths, down our lungs
Into our blood, into our brains
You would think you were in
An Apostolic / Pentecostal church service
They be so much hopping and speaking in tongues
And when our cans of Pam ran dry
We began counting our pennies
Between last inhales
Of seeing outer worlds
Of laughing and hugging and falling to the floor
One of us would eventually get it together
Count the nickels and dimes and
We’d make another trip to the A & P
To buy another can of Pam
One day they catch on
Make Pam so you can't huff it no more
Make it taste like shit and don’t get you high
Nobody use Pam no more
Nobody use the fucking A & P either
*
10. Daddy Got the Mushroom Tour
Daddy brag so much
He got the Campbell soup mushroom tour
Explain all about it
How they make those shrooms
In big fields of poop
Inside a giant warehouse
With machines make it more humid
I think that good daddy got out
Learnt him sumfin new
But we all knew
Wasn’t no stretch of the imagination
He hadda be having sex with the
Campbell Soup guy
How else he get that tour?
*
11. The Dolls I’ve Owned
Besides Stretch Armstrong
I had three other dolls
I had a Six Million Dollar Man
Otherwise known as Steve Austin
I would peek through the back of his head
To see through his telescopic left eye
His right arm was silver
Because it was bionic
His arms and legs moved at the elbows and knees
And he had a helmet, boots
A spacesuit
That looked more like an orange prison uniform
Truly a work of art
I’d grab him by the torso and jump him off the couch
In slow motion, trying to duplicate that sound
Like someone plucking a spring
You would think since he was superhuman
He’d jump really fast
But that’s how they did it on tv
So those were the rules
Another doll I had was Evel Knievel
That one was not false advertising
Like Rock Em Sock Em Robots was
Evel didn’t have joints or hard plastic limbs
He was made out of flexible rubber
With metal wire for a skeleton
So no matter how I positioned him
Even if I twisted and bent everything backwards
He would stay that way
I could pose him
On his heavy well-built motorcycle
Which I put on a device
With a handle I could crank
That would rev up the back wheel
And when released—the bike would dash off across the room
Jump over the ramp I made with cardboard and cans
Flying over two patient Dachshunds
Who would leap up and chase him every time
Oh how I loved my Evel Knievel
And oh how I mourned the day one of the dogs
Chewed his arms and legs off
But my favorite doll of all was of course G.I. Joe
He was a foot tall
Put all those modern three inch action figures to shame
And he had camouflage for clothing
He even had a short beard and mustache
Made out of fluffy felt
With a kung fu grip
Triggered by a lever in his back
I had a game I would often play
That didn’t involve him fighting in a war
Instead he was captured and was being tortured
His feet would be tied to a rope
He’d be spun round and round
Are you going to talk now?
Nevevevever!
He’d get buried in the yard up to his neck
And honey would be spread with my thumb onto his face
So that the ants would eventually cover him
Are you going to talk now?
Nev-sputsput-ver!
He’d get submerged in a casserole dish of water
Then put in the freezer
Hours later he’d be completely encased in a block of ice
Are you going to talk now?
N-n-n-n-n-ev-v-ver!
One day my brother stole him
And he took a knife
And whittled his facial hair off
When I discovered what he was up to
He put his mouth behind my doll
And pretended to be G. I. Joe
Please just stop I’ll tell you anything you want to know
He tried to give him back
But I told my brother to keep him
I wanted nothing to do with that dirty traitor
*
12. Antliae
I’ve always had a crush on Antliae
Even before she wore that big safety pin
In her mouth and out of her cheek
She would only later admit it was fake
Not that she was hiding anything
She merely gave an honest answer when asked
That concert at the Metro
Ministry and Jello Biafra
She turned me on to that
Somehow my Who shirt got thrown over the cage
Jello mistook it for his prop
And wore my shirt around his face
For a full twelve minutes
Before realizing he didn’t recognize it
He tossed it aside with a grimace
Amazingly I got it back
After shouting at the cleanup crew
Years later I would be wearing it
While performing at the Hot House
Photographed
I’d appear in full color in the
Chicago Tribune
Much to the dismay of others who were
In anticipation of that accolade
And that would never have happened
If not for Antliae
Antliae
If only I could have been that cool
Or maybe I needed to be a woman
I don’t know
But I do know
She made me feel alive
If I didn’t grow up to be such a big fat ass jerk
With barely a thing to offer
I’d hunt her down
Tell her that I love her
And perhaps in vain
Try to romance Antliae
*
13. Daddy Dick Fall Off
Look like a turd a shit
Flop down on the floor
Cuz he jackin it too hard to notice
The knife
Little Soozie she get it between her teeth
Run away with it
As he cup his hand to the spot and cry
No
He got his underpants between his ankles
So he trippin
His hairy ass floppin
Fall down just short of the stairs
Too bad he don’t fall down those stairs
Maybe it be over
Instead he in the hospital
Aint got no hands
Aint got no tongue
Aint got no feet
Sure the fuck aint got no dick
So what they keepin him alive for?
Momma say
It aint your fault honey
It aint your fault
*
© 2020 by CJ Laity