The Speed of Dark
It takes sunlight over 8 minutes to reach earth
But darkness is the absence of time
When someone says he or she wants a divorce
How do you count that in seconds?
That car accident
The glass and metal and plastic
The tear
The heart attack
Love
Vomiting
Fire
You won the lottery
Gunfire
The soul coming through the door
Because you came inside her
But, then, waking up to find she’s already in a taxi
Finding out your savings have been hacked
Surprise
*
Fucking Sestina
He looks at his knee and says what the fuck
Like a squashed tomato it surely is fucked
That guy in the BMW, what a fucker
Riding in the bike lane causing this fuckup
With text messages he was surely fucking
Drove right off, didn’t give two fucks
She spotted him among a thousand other fucks
The man who destroyed her life for a fuck
Held his hand over her mouth as he was fucking
Now he’s in the port-a-pot, doesn’t know he’s fucked
With a brick from a tent his face she’ll fuckup
The sign flips to green, she pounces on the fucker
Everyone hits the ground because of that fucker
His gun rattling off like a hundred quick fucks
What kind of mother raised such a fuckup
At a block party with children even, stupid fuck
When the screaming stops it’s a miracle no one got fucked
Maybe the justice system will give him a good fucking
She looks in the mirror and says mother fucking
Her hair dyed saffron, she’s a bad ass fucker
In celebration she buys some tequila, time to get fucked
And the pills are more orgasmic than a dozen good fucks
Waking up in the ambulance her first thought is oh fuck
Don’t touch my hair or I’ll fuck(u)up
He hasn’t gone a day without getting fuck(ed)up
But tonight his dealer gives him a good fucking
A bag of chalk dust not worth a fuck
The cold sweats are truly an evil fucker
The phone has nothing but abrupt holy fucks
As the minutes become hours he knows he’s fucked
She will tell you a story about how she got fucked
Couldn’t tell it earlier, not while fuck(ing)up
Believe it or not she’s had epic fucks
But alas her downfall is way too much fucking
If she was a man they’d call her Quick Draw Mcfucker
When exactly did she become too sick to fuck
And the country gets fucked while the politicians are fucking
And the continent gets fuck(ed)up by greedy stupid fucker(s)
And planet earth fucks back as we fucking fuck fuck fuck
*
Inside Joke
Today I was riding on the bus
Coming north on Western from the south
I was dozing off a bit
When I opened my eyes I saw
The THC Center passing by
A few seconds later
I opened my eyes again
And I saw the White Castle
It seemed so perfect I couldn’t help myself
I began laughing out loud
I’m not sure if the skinny yuppie
Sitting in front of me
Was intimidated by my insane laughter
Or the dread locked dude sitting across from him
Either way his face struggled to hide fear
As he got up and took a seat in the back
Fuck him if he’s a racist
Fuck him twice if he can’t take a joke
*
Really Mean Poem
Train Rocko the pit bull to attack
Triggered by a word
Engrave that word onto Rocko's tag
Set Rocko free
Get your cat to open its mouth
Place a tiny square of paper on its tongue
Tease an ICE agent sexually
When she thaws out
Tell her how ugly she is
Store your ex-boyfriend's condom
In your freezer
For ten long years
Wait until he's married with children
Then use a turkey baster
Roll around in a pile of glass
Screaming his name
Hang up the phone
Put an old pair of shoes in the alley
Some worn out gloves
A knit hat
A belt
Then smash two bottles of cranberry juice
As people approach
Drive away in a steam roller
*
An Idea
I had an idea for a poem today
While I was on the bus with my snow shovel
But now I can’t remember what it was
Was it about that time when I saw myself in the mirror?
Shocked, because I thought there was someone else
No, I don’t think so
What was it?
It was such a good idea
I baked a chocolate cake tonight
By the way
Poems are like dreams
Better write it down when you first wake up
Or it could slip away
Was it about that time when I was out playing
And the sky was purple
And my parents came running to my rescue
Because there was supposed to be a tornado?
Or maybe when I was four and it was snowing
And I was drowning my way to kindergarten
And my parents came running after me to tell me
That school was cancelled
No, that wasn’t it
What was it?
Was it about a banjo
A vibrator
Disco
Strobe lights
Birthdays
Lettuce
Swimming pools
Bachelor parties
8 mm movies
Angel dust
Mrs. Gillfellers?
Alfredo sitting on a chair too small for him
In the hallway, as I ran out of the classroom
Whatever he did to deserve that punishment
It didn’t compare to what I did
I had such a great idea
At the time I wished I had a little recorder
Even dreamt how the other people on the bus
Would think me insane talking to myself
But now I can’t remember
At all
God dammit!!
*
ugly poem
shiny black crows cawing on telephone poles
in a heavy but delicate snowstorm
being high up on the side of a volcano
above the dark cloud watering the land below
hundreds of deer hanging out in the fog
pointy eared ghosts as far as the eye could see
styrofoam balls and two front teeth
squeaking inside the gift wrapped box
a boxer’s long gentle tongue and outside
icicles decorated with food coloring
the pasture’s tree speckled expanse
after hours of riding the mower in the sun
and then the relief
when an injury’s pain begins merely itching
hopscotch squares on the sidewalk in pink chalk
When I was a child of six
I went to the laundromat
Put a dime in the jukebox
To hear Stevie Wonder’s Sir Duke
On my way home
I saw something I thought was pretty
Painted on the bricks of the wall
So that Easter I drew it on an egg
I found out how ugly it really was
When my parents discovered
The swastika nestled in the basket
*
Care Instructions
Don’t shave your pubes
You might get ingrown hairs
Don’t eat pork cracklings with whisky
You’ll probably shit your pants
Always say you’re sorry
You’ll avoid so much drama
That bobby pin
It doesn’t belong in the electrical outlet
But if for some reason you stick it in there
Don’t blame it on the dog
And when they ask if you stuck it in there
Whatever you do
Do not under any circumstances say
That’s what she said last night
Don’t play with your own nipples
At least not in public
Don’t publish shit in your school newspaper
That will piss off the people who give you grades
Don’t sign that piece of paper
From the trainee dentist
That says if she breaks your jaw
You won’t sue
Never try to calculate the money you would have saved
If you didn’t drink booze
Instead concentrate on all the sober people
Who have died in your lifetime
I bet there are even a few who predicted your death
Who are now dead themselves
While you suck down your hard cider
Try not to vomit out the Jägermeister
Fuck ‘em
Never dare a cop to shoot you
Always answer their questions with a question
If you get some kind of sore or wort on your genitals
Don’t listen to the double talk
Whoever you are sleeping with gave it to you
Period
See a doctor
Then
See a shrink
If you are a man and all you do when you masturbate
Is think about getting it up the ass
Face it
You’re gay
If you are a woman . . .
Well, never mind, I wouldn’t know
When you are about to fart
Do it slowly and carefully
To make sure nothing is going to come out
If you drop a penny
Just leave it
You couldn’t pick up a minimum wage’s worth of pennies
In an hour, trust me
Let some little mongoloid pick it up
Oh how special it is when it offers to give it back
And how many sins will be forgiven
When your white ass says “You can keep it”
Take your Whopper and run
Look in the mirror
Take a two hour hot bath
Do not use bleach
*
I Don’t Have a Poem Today
As much as I would have liked
Sitting around and documenting
My malfunctioning stream of consciousness
This morning the cat ate a slice of cheese
She must be feeling better because
She walked on my keyboard last night
And turned off the wireless
Then the horses had to be fed
Those two they’re easy
Just throw them some hay and they will be happy
But the king of the barn
He’s too old to chew
Has to have his grain ground in a blender
Needs his alfalfa soaked in boiling water
Then I was off to work
Had to paint some cabinets
Cut some patterns
Crawl around on my hands and knees
Until my back gave out
Now I’m home and I have some beer
The cat’s feeling even better
Ate generic cheese whiz off my finger
I’m just going to get drunk now
And troll around the internet
Until I can’t stay awake any longer
Because tomorrow promises to be more of the same
So I’m not writing any poetry today
Sorry for the inconvenience
*
White Like That
I’s white like the flash a light
From a sucker punch to the nose
Got me a blue smear-o-chalk
On my forehead I’s so white
The spots on the cow they jealous
One third the American flag
People they look at me
Think they see a ghost
Need to use colored bedsheets
O’wise I be invisible
The clouds they stop in the sky
Say what the fuck you doin down there?
When I was born they thought I was a maggot
Din slap me they slap my momma
You can’t see my tattoos cuz they white too
Last winter someone try to stick a carrot on my face
Doves? sheet they jus pigeons pretending to be white
I’s the real deal like the moon
Sept I aint got no black side
Salt with no pepper
I piss milk
A sheep in wolves clothing
Like a polar bear I’s stuck on a block a ice
I attach myself to a pole and wave in surrender
*
Normalize It
Make obnoxious snoring sounds at Robuchon’s
In the city that never sleeps
Scratch yourself while being interrogated
Then smell your fingers and smile
Give your mate a used sink strainer
Pin it to his lapel for prom
Duct tape your speakers to the ceiling
Call your upstairs neighbor with a noise complaint
Go door to door delivering ice skates
Rubber band them to the gates
Breastfeed your husband on a park bench
As you do the daily kakuro with a purple crayon
Airbnb your home to some zombies
Hide behind unbreakable glass and taunt them
Pay your property tax with all pennies
Give a homeless woman a personal check
Brush your teeth with a chainsaw
Gently to not aggravate your gingivitis
Organize a straight pride parade
With Milo Yiannopoulos as your grand marshal
Put a single sock in every washing machine
Then run around with a broom knocking down the cobwebs
Avoid the fight with osteophyte
Call a Purple Heart unpatriotic
Let someone lie to you all the time
Shrug your shoulders when he’s about to stab you
*
How to Wipe Your Ass
When you are born
Don’t worry about it
Someone will do it for you
When you are one
Just make a face and grunt
Someone will get the hint
If not they’ll get the smell
Hopefully you will be placed
Peacefully upon a table
Maybe violently
If someone is in a bad mood
When you are two
Better start wising up
People are getting sick and tired
Of wiping your ass for you
You’ll be put in some type of plastic
Contraption
Not exactly a toilet
You are still too small for that
You might fall in and drown
You’ll be lifted by your arms
Wiped like a windshield
Tossed back into your crib
Never mind the hostility
Focus on the mobile
When you are three
You finally get to sit on the toilet
Like a grown up
But when you are finished
You will have to yell out
I’m done
Until someone finally shows up to
Wipe your ass for you
When you are four
You will yell out
I’m done
But your father will come into
The bathroom
And beat the living shit out of you
After that
You will wipe your own ass
From five to twenty-five
Have faith
Your ass will be crystal clean
It will only take one swipe
Maybe two if you have been eating
Something out of the ordinary
Then the blood
The doctor will assure you it is merely hemorrhoids
Into your thirties
When you’ve been drinking all night
Maybe smoking this or that
The next day you will find yourself
In a McDonald’s
There is no paper
So you will wipe your ass with some employee’s
Clothing
That is stashed under the sink
You will not want to do it
Knowing someone will find it
But you will have to wipe your ass
Death and taxes and wiping your ass
No getting around it
When you are in your forties
You show up at a friend’s house
But she’s not home
And you can hold it no longer
Finding a secluded spot behind the house
You will pull your ass out and dump
Hoping what you are wiping with
Is not poison ivy
In your fifties sometimes
You won’t only have to wipe
Your ass
You will have to wipe the toilet seat as well
Next to it too
Where the plunger is stored
Then you will take a shower
Carry on as if nothing happened
And the blood
The doctor assured you it was merely hemorrhoids
In your sixties, you’ll long for the days when you could
Give it a little swipe
Now you have to jam that paper all up in there
Digging out the half that was cut off
Otherwise it will creep and seep
Like an icicle melting
In your seventies again the blood
The doctors aren’t so sure anymore
In your late eighties
You’d rather die
Than have someone wipe your ass for you
But they don’t let you die
They force you to stay alive
Once again in a diaper
The nurse shows up fifteen minutes a day
Hates you but feigns a smile
One day in your nineties a magic fairy
Tells you that you will never have to wipe again
Gives you a colonoscopy bag
But
Someone from the government
Threatens to put you in a home
When your bag falls off and you spray all over the place
On your hundredth birthday
You will walk with your cane two blocks
To the bus stop
It will take you half an hour
So you can go to church
On your way back everyone on the bus
Will have to patiently wait
While the bus driver parks
Allowing you your slow journey in
A big man just happens to get off
At your stop
All the sidewalks are icy
He offers his hand
You take it
And as he makes sure you get home safely
He talks about his recipe for coconut milk soup
*
The Speed of Dark
It takes sunlight over 8 minutes to reach earth
But darkness is the absence of time
When someone says he or she wants a divorce
How do you count that in seconds?
That car accident
The glass and metal and plastic
The tear
The heart attack
Love
Vomiting
Fire
You won the lottery
Gunfire
The soul coming through the door
Because you came inside her
But, then, waking up to find she’s already in a taxi
Finding out your savings have been hacked
Surprise